Discovering that your cheating wife could be having an emotional affair with someone else is devastating. I hear oftentimes, "that I can handle her having it off with another person. I think I can deal with that". However, for her to give her best love to someone else is difficult for me to swallow.
What can you particularlly do to increase the odds of saving the marriage? Frequently the shocked spouse responds with strong emotions and then goes all out to win her back.
Become overbearing. Implore your needs on her. Sweet-talks. Constantly makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. complains to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Incessant enquiries about what shes doing, sometimes even hourly. He becomes completely overbearing.
It doesn't work.
Why? Well, the main reason is that she has discovered all the stimulation and exhilaration she supposedly needs in her newfound love life. At a greater level this is obscure enough for the unfaithful husband or cheating wife. Just about anything comments from you will simply be unwelcome and she is likely to closing the door on the marriage even more. Plus, you would be better served by providing some emotional stability, by being that solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama or that external excitement entices and blows her around.
If you barrage her with your neediness, then you are certainly NOT aiding your marriage in a key manner that's needed duing this time. She is also liable to drive a deeper wedge between you by comparing between you and him. With your overwhelming neediness, you don't stand a chance of coming out ahead. Sorry!
Here's a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and improves the odds of saving the marriage. It's called backing off! You need to learn how to disconnect. Stop agitating her. Keep a low profile. Be silent - most of the time. Stop making requests which could be viewed as imposing on her personal space. Stop asking questions. Stop trying gain some assurance from her. Stop being a general pain in the ass!
Remember, this romantic state usually fades... You need to have the confidence that it will. You will need a boatload of patience though. This outside affair can and with the right components, will, run its course.
She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly get a line on herself and confront the emotional void within. There will be a voice within her that says, This will not last. Is this what she really wants? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this the direction that I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I'm not with him? What does this say about me?
If she is mature enough, this is her chance to learn about what TRUE love is. Don't get in her way. I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to control yourself and keep a very low profile. It is at this point with the men I coach, where I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill. This will be tough. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in youself apart from what you may imagine she does with him, and that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather this storm.
This is your opportunity to rise to another level. Oh, by the way. She will notice! And, she might like it. Your backing off does not mean that have nothing to do with her. Quite the opposite. You want to maintain contact with her, but make it stictly QUALITY contact. Try to ensure that it will be the kind of communication that does respect to you, and that confronts her with the reality of her actions. It could quite possibly work toward resolution of your marriage.
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